Love thy Labels.
No, not the ones on your clothing or your car or your purse. I am talking about the ones we give ourselves, the ones others give us, the ones that we use to define who we are.
There has been a lot written this past week about labels and about using our words well, especially when speaking to or about mothers and/or our parenting choices and styles. The lovely Amber McCann wrote this post and it really got me thinking about the labels we use daily. And then I read Claire Weissinger's essay entitled "Watch Your Language" and that gave me even more food for thought. I agree with these ladies wholeheartedly that yes, words are very, VERY powerful. If they weren't, would the blogging world be what it is today?
Words do a lot of things.
They connect us.
They divide us.
They make us feel good and yes, they can make us feel awful too.
And words define us.
Take a look at yours and anyone else's profile or bio on any of the multiple social media sites you are on and you will likely see things like this:
"Breastfeediing, Cloth Diapering, Co-sleeping, non-vaxing, home-schooling, crunchy mama to (insert # of children here)"
"Tech mommy"
"Geek Chic"
"Writer"
"Liberal"
"Conservative"
"Nutty"
"Foodie"
"WAHM", "SAHM", "SAHD"
"Artist"
"Breast Cancer Survivor"
"Entrepreneur"
"Mompreneur"
"Feminist"
"Vegan"
"Lactivist"
"Attachment Parent"
And the list goes on and on and on and on....
These are the labels that we give ourselves. The ones we write down or type into our iPads and laptops and smart phones and put out there for the world to see.
We do this for one reason.
We do this for connection. To say to the world-wide web, "This is me and I like me. Are YOU like me?"
I like to call this finding your tribe. And really, is this not the first thing you tell people who are new to social media sites? Especially Twitter? We tell newbies to "Go forth young tweeter and follow people who have the same interests as you. The ones that validate your own labels and share your beliefs." At least that is how it starts right? And then you find other people or they find you, and maybe they question your labels and beliefs and then Wowie, Zowie, you learn something new-either about yourself or the world! Or you just block them. ;)
I personally have chosen the label "Lipstick Crunchy" for myself. I am crunchy in the sense that I use cloth diapers for my children, I breastfeed said children to at least age three, I am such an avid babywearer that I have sought certification as a Babywearing Educator, I buy local & organic food as much as I can and I eliminate as many toxic chemicals in our house as possible. And I have a secret obsession for all things tye-dyed!
I am Lipstick in the sense that I spend at least $150.00 every few months on my hair (but I do get bonus points here because my stylist uses organic hair dyes). I have no problem wearing leather in the form of a really gorgeous and killer pair of chocolate-brown knee-high boots, I do NOT own any full length 100% hemp skirts, and I just can't DO mama cloth or family cloth because of the 'ick' factor. I believe that holistic and modern medicine can co-exist and that vaccines are important in our world (just maybe on more of a delayed/extended schedule than currently recommended). Oh yeah, and the new Smarties with their 'no artificial colours' - HATE THEM! And yes, I still eat Smarties-even though Nestle makes them (don't all GASP at once)!
There are many other reasons that my label fits me and I am GOOD with all of them. I am proud of the person that I am (I have worked damn hard to get here) and if I have to write a bio somewhere, you can bet that I am going to write my label down for all to see.
So, yes, words are powerful. We DO have to watch how we use them in this blogging, Twittering, Facebooking world. But I say we should also embrace them and OWN them. When that happens, then NO ONE can use those words and those labels to hurt you or make you feel bad or guilty about anything!
Live it and love it!
Natasha~
Friends.
I had the greatest weekend this past week. I went out with three separate and completely different groups of women on three different (and consecutive) nights! For the record, I am pretty sure that has NOT happened in at least 4.5 years, and so yeah, I am kind of bragging too! After my rare weekend of female bonding I got to thinking about women and our friendships with each other and what makes and what breaks these relationships. How is it that we can be BFFs with someone one minute and the next, cut them out of our lives like they never existed? How can we all be in the same boat and yet, so often be willing to toss someone overboard at the slightest misunderstanding? Why do I feel like I really do want to have more close girlfriends, but at the same time I am guarded and cautious with new relationships?
One of my nights out this weekend was for a girlfriend's stagette. I was out with her and a group of women that I have not seen for at least two years. These were the friends that I made when I was a first time mommy and they very quickly became my 'tribe' back then. We all had similar parenting philosophies, our kids where all roughly the same age and we all 'needed' each other. We needed to know that what we were doing was the right thing. Geez, what new mom doesn't need that. We valued and validated each other! And if you did a rewind of my life to three years ago, not a day would go by that I did not talk to one if not all of these women and never a week would go by without at least one big play date for both mommies and babies.
And then something happened....
And to be honest, I can't even remember what it was. Someone said something to someone and it hurt someone else's feelings and then someone gossiped about it to another person and then well, it just got worse and worse. And then there where different camps and if you were on one side it became harder and harder to continue being friends with the other side. And it became next to impossible to hang out with both Person A AND Person B and remain Switzerland.
So my Tribe dissipated, and with it all the support and friendship that I had relied on for over two years. I have managed to hold on to only one of those relationships and the rest I still see occasionally and talk to, but it really is not the same anymore. And even though we all came together and had a fabulous time celebrating our lovely bride-to-be friend last week, there was still an ever-present undercurrent of tension.
Any of this sound familiar to anyone? I feel like I could be talking about any number of female friendship 'break ups'.
Why are women so judge-y? Come on, don't deny it, we ALL judge. We judge each other, ourselves, our 'friends', our friends kids and just about everything else around us. It's the truth. And yes, it is ugly.
Kelly Valen, the author of "The Twisted Sisterhood", said this in an interview, which I think kind of sums it all up.
I think the outward comparisons, judgments, status and one-upmanship games are manifestations of our insecurities -- about whether we fit in and are good enough, or, in fact, better. Many women (and men, too, let's face it) get that little buzz when they know they compare more favorably -- whether it's intellect, beauty, wealth, Martha Stewart-like accomplishment on the home front, whatever.
It's human nature, but can be uniquely intense and painful with other females. If we felt more secure in ourselves and accepted the body and mind we were dealt with at birth rather than looking outside ourselves for valuation all the time, we wouldn't get so caught up in those frantic games.
My other two nights out last weekend were with two groups of women that I have just recently met and started to spend more time with. It is always terrifying for me to go and do new things and meet new people, but I am always amazed by these experiences. I met and got to know some fabulous, strong and beautiful women on both occasions, and I can't help but want to hang out with them again. I really hoped they liked me too (there go those darn insecurities of mine needing validation)!
I really have no answers here, and to be honest, I have had a hard time actually gathering my thoughts on all of this and what it all means. I did however read something else today that kind of stuck with me. It was about how DEEP our friendships are and the different levels that exist and how our friends are categorized. It may sound a bit callous, but I can see how I have lots of Level Four friends, a bunch of Level Three friends, a handful of Level Two friends, and one or two Level One friends.
And maybe this is not a bad thing....
....as long as I remember not to judge any of them, or myself, too harshly.
Natasha~
Bathroom Stall 1 - Natural Urban Mama 0
Today was one of those days that I spent wishing and praying that I was ANYWHERE else except for where I was!
All was going to plan. We shopped at GAPKids, the kids were helpful in choosing the items that I bought them and then we went to Gymboree and they watched the little TV in there while I picked out some new swimwear for them. We then headed over to Jugo Juice for our regular mall lunch fare-a smoothie and a grilled chicken wrap.
As we finished up lunch, L told me she was doing a 'pee-pee dance' and so we hightailed it to the nearest bathroom. We made it, she peed and then we continued on our way and headed to Anthropologie for Mama to get her 'fix'. Not even 5 minutes in the store, L looks up at me again and says that she had to go back to the bathroom because she now is doing a 'poo-poo dance'. So, I load her and C back into our sit & stand stroller and we motor over to the bathroom on the upper level of the mall near The Children's Place. It is not a big bathroom and the handicapped stall was taken, so we used the last stall near the wall and I parked C and the stroller just outside the stall door. I had my purse on me across my body, but needed to take it off in order to move in the stall and get L on the toilet and so I took it off and hung it behind the door. (Yeah, at this point your warning bells should be going off!!!!)
L decided that this was also the point at which she would have a complete FREAK OUT, refuse to 'do' anything and tell me that she wanted to go to the bathroom at home. I am not sure about how anyone else handles these situations, but I get very flustered and frustrated when my kids hit the meltdown point and just want to GET OUT NOW. Which is what we did. We left the bathroom in a rush and headed for the entrance where I parked.
And it was not until C asked me for some coins to throw in the fountain that I realized................I HAD LEFT MY PURSE IN THE FUCKING BATHROOM!!!!!!
And not just ANY purse, my $400 dollar COACH purse that also contained my $600 iPhone 4, my car and house keys, my wallet AND my favourite lip gloss!
My heart sank to my stomach and then felt like it got kicked REALLY hard. I panicked, grabbed C's hand and headed back upstairs to the bathroom, saying every prayer I could think of on the way there. And it was....NOT THERE!
This is the point at which panic truly took over, the tears started flowing and my deodorant started to fail me. I was trying to picture making the call to my husband to tell him what had happened, how I would explain to the kids that we were literally stuck at the mall, how quickly I could get a hold of VISA to cancel my credit cards and how to just handle this overriding feeling of helplessness that was taking over my mind.
We made it down to the Security office of the mall and I picked up the phone and asked in my shaky, teary voice if anyone had returned a blue Coach purse. And the angel on the other end of the line said YES, she thinks that someone did and that it was over at Guest Services. After figuring out where the hell Guest Services was, I pushed and dragged my poor children for another 5 minutes through the mall to the Admin/Lost and Found office. I was full of hope...until I spoke to the girl behind the desk who told me that nothing had been handed in all day.
And then I just sunk into the chair and BAWLED. You know the cry, the ugly kind, right in front of my poor confused and exhausted babies and the administration office staff of West Edmonton Mall. It was not a pretty sight!
I managed to gather myself together enough to ask the receptionist to call over to Security again, because the angel over there had told me that it was found and to come over HERE. She did, and it turns out that I was one door away from the Guest Services desk-the folks who ACTUALLY had my purse. I wiped away my tears, mumbled a thank you and headed 20 feet over to the next desk where a lovely man handed me my lost baby purse! Completely intact and not a thing missing. Of course I was still crying, but the tears where now those of relief.
I took the kids over to one of the nice new seating areas, found some coins in my now recovered wallet and told my son to throw one in for Mama too and wish for a nanny! We headed back to the entrance after I managed to stop my hands and body from shaking and I have never been so relieved in my life to get out of that place.
I called my husband when I got home and told him what had happened and that we were just now going to all jump in bed for a nap (it was 4:30 PM) and that if he wanted to eat tonight, he had better bring something home for dinner. I also told him that I am in desperate need a FULL MENTAL HEALTH DAY and that this consists of at least 8 hours at a Spa, away from the world and from my life (and I may have promised him sex for the next five days straight as well, but I can't be sure)!
Lessons learned from today:
- NEVER take your freakin' purse off of your body (or at least only when a suitable husband is around to hold it)!
- The 30 minutes of vigorous activity a day that Health Canada recommends for kids should probably not be running after your frantic, bawling mother at the mall. (C was still complaining of his legs hurting "from all that running" as I was putting him to bed tonight!)
- There are Angels and good souls on this earth who will DO THE RIGHT THING and I am so very thankful for that and to them.
- I need a vacation!
That is all. I am done for today. Me and my glass of wine are now going to hang out for a bit.
Goodnight,
Words to live by.....
Last week was a sad one for me. A friend and former colleague (from my pharma days) went missing on July 3rd and was found dead on July 5th (although not reported, she had taken her own life). I will admit that it had been more than a few years since we had last talked and I would hear about her life from other friends and sometimes through Facebook. Last year around this same time, I attended the funeral of another friend and special soul who had also decided to end her life. Both of these women, in my opinion had something in common--they were GIVERS. They constantly gave of themselves, they were incredibly generous of spirit, and would wholeheartedly give their time, their love and laughter, their talents, and their souls. So, I can only guess (because I don't think anyone ever knows for sure) that they were both just fully spent - physically, emotionally and mentally - and had nothing more to give. I can only hope that the end that they chose for themselves gave them both the peace and freedom that they needed and could not find on this earth.
At the memorial service this week, the family came across a memo and list that had been left by my friend in her room and they put it in the program. I would like to share this list with you now. I think that her words are extremely powerful and meaningful and yet so simple. If ever there where words to live by, I think these might be them. What do you think?
