learning to love forty
I have been forty years old for 12 days now. It's growing on me. Slowly.
And so when I saw this in my Facebook feed today I immediately clicked on it.
Check out what the ever so wise Andy had to say about us gals.
I particularly like this one...
"A woman over forty knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of forty give a hoot what you might think about her or what she’s doing."
I think I love him.
And just because I can, you can expect some 'Imma gonna get my forty freak-on!' posts coming very shortly.
Cheers my young grasshoppers!
Natasha~
Daily Routine
Forty brings with it a lot more bottles of stuff for your face!
Day 9: Daily Routine
#JANphotoaday Challenge
The Tenth Anniversary of my Thirtieth Birthday.
Okay fine. Exactly 40 years ago today at 11:37 PM, I was born.
The last baby born on the first day of 1972.
I think my mom got a blanket and some kind of baby cup from the hospital to commemorate the birth of her New Year child.
Today I woke up and felt refreshed.
For the first time in a LONG time, I awoke and my body and my mind felt good. Like REALLY good.
And as some of you may know, feeling good has been a struggle for a few months.
In September of this past year, I was really looking forward to 40. I kept telling myself that 40 is the new 20 and kept planning all the things that I was going to to before I got there and then during my big milestone year. And then as the months progressed, I felt like I had a slow leak somewhere and all my enthusiasm and my plans just seeped out of me.
Even last night as I was celebrating the new year and my birthday with my best friend and her family, I still wasn't sure how I was feeling about my big day.
So I am not sure exactly what happened during my sleep last night, but I woke refreshed, with a sense of purpose and also a huge desire to clean and purge my closets, cupboards and well, yes, my life too, of all the clutter and excess that exists there.
I don't want to set resolutions for this year. I don't even think I want to set goals.
What I do want to do is set myself on a journey. One in which I truly discover who I am and who I am meant to be. One in which my life and my mind is not preoccupied with so much 'stuff' that does more harm than good and one in which I can clearly find and see the path that is mine.
Because trust me, nothing makes you realize how fast time is moving like looking in the mirror and seeing a 40-year-old you looking back at you and then looking down and seeing your now 5 year old looking at you too.
I have a starting point for my journey, thanks to some dear friends.
My good friend and personal trainer, Jessica, gave me the book and DVD of "The Secret" to read and get me going.
Karissa, another friend that I 'talk' to a lot on twitter gave me these words of advice, "Ask yourself "What is it that I want?" If no answer comes, ask the next day and the next day and the day after that until it does."
I also bought myself a journal to write my intentions down in because I find that things stick more for me if I go all old school and actually write them down.
And so my journey begins, today, right now and I am excited about it.
Happy New Year Everyone!
Happy Tenth Anniversary of my Thirtieth Birthday to me!!
Walking shoes on,
Natasha~
thick
This week has been a tough one. As I knew it would be.
Natural Urban Dad is on call at the hospital this week and also had to go out-of-town for a night to deal with some urgent business. We steel ourselves for his weeks on call and I thank God that they are few and far between. He knows he will get frustrated and not enjoy his time there, and I know that I will be dealing with a grumpy spouse for a week.
But, it is more than just this.
I am somehow just feeling off.
I was doing really well for a few weeks. Feeling happier, like I was making good choices for me and for my family, focusing on the positive and removing all that I felt was weighing me down. I felt that, although I was still in a tunnel, I was able to see a light at the end of it.
And then this week started and I am not sure why, but there seems to be a thick fog following me around.
I am tired. So very, very tired. And believe it or not, the kids are actually sleeping relatively well this week, so I can't even blame my fatigue on them.
I am also feeling overwhelmed. I know it is partly because of Christmas and making sure that I make it a special time for the kids. I feel like I am going through my days and constantly saying to myself, "Just get through this day and then tomorrow, you can do A, B, C...).
I want to do some Christmas baking and help the kids make presents for their Aunties and Uncles and wrap their presents and go to Candy Cane Lane and ....
...all I have been able to do this week is make sure I PVR every damn kid Christmas special on TV and then sit the kids down and have them watch them over and over and over again while I try to stay awake and at least make sure they have clean underwear.
They have their Christmas Concert at playschool tomorrow and because I have not done any clothing shopping for them in forever, I am scrambling tonight to figure out what they can wear that is festive enough. A red Transformer's sweatshirt will work right?
I just feel aimless.
I picked up some 'Winter Joy' room spray and my personalized 'Calm and Centered' Flower Essence blend from my friendly neighborhood holistic practitioner. Hopefully these will start to kick in soon! Because trust me, I need all the joy, calm and centering I can get these days!
I have no real point to this post. I guess I just keep hoping that one of these days I am going to wake up and snap out of it. Unfortunately, that does not seem to be happening and I am just not ready to go see my GP and have her tell me I need to be on an anti-depressant. So I will keep plugging along. Trying to find my joy in the little things and in my little people.
The good news is that I am happy that I made the decision to close my store for the holidays. I did this to be able to figure out how to be the best wife and mother that I can be and the happy and fulfilled person that I deserve to be. I think I just need to take a deep breath now that I am in this 'taking a break' time and realize that I don't have to figure everything out this very minute.
Here's hoping the fog is a little thinner tomorrow.
Natasha~
legacy
I just spent the last 2 hours in a cramped 3-bed hospital room with my 82-year-old Godmother.
This is the woman my daughter is named after. The woman who was a best friend to my grandmother, a kind of surrogate mother for my own mother and the woman at whose home I have the fondest memories of my childhood.
She is a pretty amazing woman and I am so incredibly thankful that she has always been a part of my life.
Talking with her today, we covered the usual. How the kids and Natural Urban Dad are doing, how goes the progress on the new house, and the usual chit-chat. And then the conversation took a turn that it often does with her.
She is ready to die. She actually wants to die.
Seven years ago this December, the love of her life, the man she was married to for 60 years, the man who left her a love note tucked under her pillow every day, passed away.
She wants to be with him again.
A few months ago, she had a fall at her home and her son found her unconscious on the floor (he woke up suddenly at 3 AM and told his wife he had to go check on his mom). She told me that during those few hours that she was technically in a coma, that she was at peace. She was floating. She was on her way to see her love.
And then she woke up.
Today we also talked a lot about her life in Europe as a child, how her mom died suddenly at the age of 38 when she was only nine and of her life during and after the war. She showed me her engagement ring and told me the story of how my Godfather had to buy the gold on the black market and designed the bow-shaped ring himself. She told me of all the love notes and little presents that he would leave for her under her pillow, for no other reason than just because he loved her so much.
This is the stuff that great love stories are made of people!
And then we started talking about my grandmother. Helen (we never called her Grandma) was also an amazing woman. All 90 pounds of her. My Godparents where the closest thing to family that she had and they know the most about her life. I only know tidbits. If I have one regret in this life it is that I did not spend more time with her and get her to tell me more about her life.
You see, I do not know who my grandfather is. Neither does my mother. Helen was a governess in the late 1940's for a rich family in the south of France. She fell in love with the married chauffeur and proceeded to get herself knocked up at the spinster-y age of 42. This is as much as I know. And as I found out today, this seems to be as much as anyone knows. I assume this situation was quite the scandal in those days and in 1952, two years after my mother was born my grandmother and my mother immigrated to Canada. Once here, I do know that there was a short marriage to another man, who died of a heart attack and then I think Helen just swore of off men forever.
What I found out today, is that my dear grandmother, this tiny woman whom I have held on such a pedestal my whole life, who expected so much from me, who was always so prim and proper, was actually quite the goof. My Godmother regaled me today with stories about Helen. I heard about her walking around nude all the time. Answering the door with nothing on and with nary a care in the world. We had quite the giggle today about her many naked antics.
Why am I going on and on about all of this?
Legacy.
That is why.
I still only have tidbits of my grandmother's life. I wish that she had journaled more, that she had written down her thoughts, her experiences, her perspective of being a single mother in the 1950's and 60's. I wish I could have known her more, understood her more and that I had more of her to remember.
My Godfather wrote his memoirs and his children had them bound into a hardcover book for him before he passed away. I asked my Godmother for a copy of that book today. It was all written in French, so it might take me a while to read it. But read it I will.
Sometimes I hear people make disparaging remarks about being a blogger. Oh, you are not a writer, you are just a blogger. And I realized something today. I am both. And I am neither. I write not only for myself, but for future generations too.
And this is my legacy.
This blog is the way that MY grand children will know me when I am not around anymore. They will know the funny me, the sad me, the advocate me, the Mommy me and the rant-y me! They will be able to read about how their parents were born, read about how and why we did things "in the old days" and see their parents through my eyes (and my camera lens).
They will be able to see how we built our dream home, the home that their parents grew up in, the one that they will get to come to for sleep-overs and holidays and birthdays and anniversaries.
Maybe one day I or the kids will take this blog and make it into a book. Not necessarily for mass production, just for the family to have a tangible connection to the woman I am/will be/was. So I will write. I will write for me, for my kids and for my grand kids. I will write for the women who came before me, for my mother and for my grandmother...
...and I will write for my Godmother. May she soon find peace and her one true love waiting for her with open arms and an eternal love note.
Natasha~
Bizarro World and a Foot Rub
Something weird happened last Sunday. And by weird I mean, like bizarro world, everything is backwards weird.
I worked the Mommylicious trade show in Edmonton on Sunday. I was on my feet from 9 Am until 4:30 PM fitting mamas and daddies with beautiful baby carriers and running the show's stroller check (check in your stroller and 'check out' a baby carrier while you shop). I also got to have some amazing sleepy 6-week-old snuggles with my friend's sweet baby girl who slept on me for about 2 hours! It was a great day.
And a long day.
Natural Urban Dad was home with the kids all day and I got a few texts from him as the day went on about what they were doing. Seems the kids were having a day of "let's not listen to Daddy and therefore not get to go to "Fish Mouth" with him." (Fish Mouth is what they call the undersea adventure area at West Edmonton Mall).
I know that he too was having a long day with the kids.
We all met for dinner at our favourite neighborhood sushi place after I was all done at the show, the kids behaved themselves rather well and then we headed home.
Once in the house, Natural Urban Dad proceeded to immersed himself into cleaning the kitchen.
All I wanted to do was sit down and put up my feet (which were totally KILLING ME) for five minutes and close my eyes after a long day, but no, the kids needed some mommy time.
And it was bath time and someone obviously wanted to be alone with the dishes.
And then it hit me!!
Like a weird bizarro world smack up side the head!
Natural Urban Dad was doing exactly what I usually do when he gets home.
I turn over the kids to him with an "I am DONE!" expression on my face and start cleaning up or cooking dinner. And I fully admit that for the most part I don't even think about how long or hard his day has been.
So I sucked it up, bathed the kids, got them ready for bed, read them a story and tucked them in.
And then I sat on the couch and asked for a foot rub.
I don't know if I have a real point to this post, except to say that NO ONE EVER WINS in this. Men and women have always had and will continue to have the "you have no idea how hard I work all day" discussions no matter who is with the kids and who is on the job. For me, I guess this day just really emphasized this dynamic in what we do at our house and made me realize that I need to appreciate my partner and what his day is like just as much as I expect him to appreciate all that I do in and around the house and with the kids every day.
We made our choices as a family. I would be the stay at home parent and he would be the working one. A lot of couples make this choice. It is important to keep the gratitude in our lives and for each other and remember to not take one another for granted. Each of us has an important job to do for the well-being and success of this family.
This past weekend was my reminder of this. Did Natural Urban Dad see the same thing? Maybe he did.
'Cause it was one very long and very nice foot rub!!
Natasha~
Friend?
You know when you write a word over and over and over and over...and eventually it starts to look somehow wrong?
Or when you use a word over and over and over and over, like "OMG, I love that sweater!", "I love that movie!", "I love that couch!", "I love these socks", "I love pomegranate lip gloss!" and eventually the word LOVE loses some of its true meaning and meaningfulness?
I think this is what has happened to the word and perhaps by extension, the concept of a FRIEND. Quite specifically in the realm of social media.
I write this after almost a month of not writing a whole lot because of personal issues and insecurities about myself and my place in this online world and with my friends within it.
Recently on Facebook, I was 'un-friended' and blocked from someones personal page. I did not think this was a big deal. We are not very close and have more of a professional relationship than a personal one. I read her status update before she removed me (and quite a few other people too) and I respected her decision to keep her page personal and for her close friends and family members.
Remember when that was what we used Facebook for? To keep our friends and family updated on our lives. Remember how fun it was to post pictures of the kids and our vacations for all our friends and family to oooh and ahhh over? When we could write personal messages on our pages and not worry about who was lurking about to see where we are and who we are with and who we are talking to? When no one was taking screen shots of our pages and forwarding them on in emails to other people for God knows what reasons? When every App on earth wasn't asking to 'GeoTag' you and announce to the world where you are "checking-in"?
Back then (a whole two years ago, if that even), you had maybe about 67 friends on your Facebook page and hadn't even heard of Twitter. And every one of those friends was either AT your wedding or at one of your birthday parties in the past 5 years!
So, {at least in my mind}, this begs the question....
Has the inescapable realm of Wifi, and unlimited data plans and Twitter and Facebook and Google+ and FourSquare and... and... and... completely wrecked our understanding, interpretation and definition of FRIENDSHIP?
Think about this for a minute.
How many of your {insert number here} Facebook friends would drop everything and come over to watch your kids if you were stuck in bed with the worst flu of your life? How many would dog-sit for you in an emergency? How many would buy you coffee and give you an ACTUAL hug if you were having a really bad day? How many would pick up the phone and call you....or even have your direct phone number for that matter?
What then constitutes a true friend? The Merriam-Webster Dictionary definition of the word is this:
Definition of FRIEND
1 a: one attached to another by affection or esteemb:acquaintance2 a: one that is not hostileb: one that is of the same nation, party, or group3 : one that favors or promotes something (as a charity)4 : a favored companion
I do believe that there are levels of friendship and some friendships are closer than others. Some are deeper. Some are based on a long history together, some on mutual life experiences, some on similar belief systems and some on the simple foundation of a love of all things shoes. And these days, some are IRL and some are SOF (strictly online friend - I think I just made that up).
For the sake of full disclosure, I have ONE Best Friend. I have known her for over 20 years and she has seen me in all my good, bad, ugly, beautiful, sick, elated, sad-beyond-belief and so-excited-I-could-fly glory! And I hers. And we RARELY talk via social media.
On the other hand, I have 190 Facebook Friends. And if I sat down and set up some form of criteria for who and what I truly believe a friend is, I know that this number would decrease significantly. Or at least be divided into categories.
I found this post by Kristen Tennant about the four levels of friendship and I think she does a pretty good job of describing these levels or categories.
Category 4 friends are people you say hello to and maybe stop and chat for a while if you run into them at the cafe or bar. They’re probably friends of yours on Facebook, but if it weren’t for Facebook, they would have almost no clue what’s going on in your day-to-day life.
Category 3 friends encompass a lot of people like co-workers, members of your church or community, the parents of your kids’ friends, and others you see and talk to regularly but don’t necessarily go out of your way to get together with. Every once in a while, you might decide to call them up and see if they want to meet you for lunch, or you might invite them to a big party you’re having, but the expectations of your relationship are low and the interactions are casual.
Category 2 friends can get more complicated, because the relationship is deeper, but the expectations often aren’t clear. They’re your go-to friends when you feel like getting a group of people together on a Saturday night, or you want to go out to dinner to celebrate a birthday, or you feel like inviting someone over for dinner. These are the friends you spend time with once or twice a month, but I also think we keep ourselves (or our hearts?) at a bit of a distance, to protect ourselves from feeling left out, hurt, or disappointed when they don’t come through.
And Category 1 friends? I think I would describe them exactly the way my nine-year-old daughter would: They understand you—they get who you are at your core, which means you can completely be yourself around them, without worrying what they will think. Category 1 friends like to spend time doing the things that you like doing best. And they always want to see you. Whenever you feel the urge to see them, they’re ready and waiting, thrilled to see you if they can possibly make it happen.
Now, no, I am not about to go and categorize everyone on my Facebook page, but I will make the case for having Lists on Twitter and Facebook and deciding how much you want to interact or share with these lists. You can set these criteria in your account privacy and settings pages on both platforms and on Facebook, no one knows when they are added/removed from one of your lists and on Twitter you can make both private and public lists.
How you use social media is of course your prerogative. These are after all your pages and what you do with them is your choice. So if you want to remove me, un-friend me, un-follow or block me from your friend list or your feed because we really are not much more than acquaintances or we have more of a business relationship than a personal one, go ahead, it is OK.
I will not be offended and I will respect your wishes.
And if need be, I generally know how to get in touch with you outside of stalking ...uhm, I mean, social media.
Natasha~
P.S. And now for my favourite song about Facebook by the incredible Kate Miller-Heidke. (WARNING: EXPLICIT LYRICS-NOT FOR THE KIDDIES!!)
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X0FdR7dEAYU[/youtube]
P.P.S. I'm BaaaAAAAACK!!!