Feminist Fare Fridays
The internet loves alliterations. Or maybe it is just me. Either way, I needed a way to share some of the writing, posts, videos and general feminist happenings of the week all in one place and on a regular basis for all of you to enjoy. So as of this day, Fridays on the blog shall be known as Feminist Fare Fridays.
I will share with you a small collection of the weeks best (and sometimes worst) feminist musings and a short commentary on each one. And depending on how you look at it, a quick perusal of my twitter timeline tells me that I picked a good week to start.
1. #solidarityisforwhitewomen I am sure you have seen this hashtag on Twitter at some point this past week and wondered what it was all about. If looking at that timeline makes you feel even a bit uncomfortable at all, you gotta let that feeling sink in. THAT is the point of it. For a more in-depth look at what the catalyst was for this particular conversation and what is evolving from it, please check out this post from the hashtag creator, Mikki Kendall and follow her on Twitter at @karnythia. My hope is that one day #solidarity can truly be for ALL, but first, we need to really listen to each other and perhaps lean in to that uncomfortable feeling and acknowledge what exactly that means.
2. I found this video through my daily Upworthiest emails. It is a TEdX talk given by renowned Nigerian novelist, Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie earlier this year and while she is talking about feminism in Africa, her message about what we teach our children and our expectations based on their genders, really hit home for me. We really should all be feminists!
[youtube]http://youtu.be/hg3umXU_qWc[/youtube]
3. And why exactly should we all be feminists? If the video above has not convinced you, please let this one do it.
[youtube]http://youtu.be/3pdbnzFUsXI[/youtube]
Granted this is a small sampling of random people off the street, but that gives this video even more punch. And by punch, I mean to the gut of every woman who has fought long and hard to be treated with respect, and dignity, and equality not just for herself, but for all women! Next time someone asks you if you consider yourself a feminist, especially if you are a woman, think about why you even have the right to speak up and answer that question!
4. The most ridiculous reason I have ever heard to not want to breastfeed was written this past week by a professor of Gender Studies. It is no surprise to anyone who is a regular reader that I am a staunch breastfeeding advocate or that I nursed both my children for 3 and 4.5 years respectively. Is breastfeeding a gender dividing act? Yes, it is. My husband, along with most men, does not produce milk from his mammary tissue, I do. Does this one act, this one aspect of parenting, help to reinforce the social differences between men and women and moms and dads? NO. I do not think it does. Social biases and gender differences and how you address these in your family go far beyond breastfeeding. Come up with a better reason to not breastfeed, Professor, cause I am not buying this one! And seriously, by your own logic, perhaps we should do a "runaround of our bodies to ensure equity" when it comes to the great gender dividing act of pregnancy too. Sheesh!
5. I like Craig Ferguson. There, I said it. And I like this. He's figured out WHY EVERYTHING SUCKS! And while this may not be a particularly feminist topic, perhaps in some way, it is. Media and advertisers still show us and tell us what and who we should aspire to be like...
[youtube]http://youtu.be/ROJKEwYEx8Q[/youtube]
I for one will not bow down to the Gods of youth and stupidity!
Have a great weekend everyone!
natasha~
Why I don't think anyone should regret being a Stay At Home Mom.
As I am writing this I feel like I need to have a few disclaimers.
1. I am a teensy bit pre-menstrual (read-ranty!). My nose is on the fritz, everything REEKS today and my "geez-lady-sensitive-much?-o-meter" is kind of off the charts.
2. I am not, nor would I ever judge another person for their CHOICES in life and I applaud anyone who writes with a realness and honesty the likes of "OMG, I can't believe she just said that!".
3. You MUST read the linked article FIRST to fully understand this post. It's OK, I don't mind giving HuffPo some linky love! Maybe one day, they'll return the favor. ;)
..............................
Now that being said, I just read an article written by a woman who is at least 15 years down the mothering road from me that has every hair on my body bristling. Lisa Endlich Heffernan from Grown and Flown just published a post with a laundry list of the reasons she regrets being a SAHM for the last 20 years. Now again, I am not judging her for her life choices or diminishing her feelings about them. What I would like to do is maybe offer a different perspective on her list. Maybe things are different as a SAHM in 2013 than they were in the '80s and '90s. Then again, I may read this post in 15 years and be all, "Yeah, RIGHT! Little did you know back then smart ass!" Either way, here is what I think.
"I let down those who went before me." Lisa read The Feminine Mystique in the '70s. I read How to be a Woman in 2013. Both contain strong messages about feminism and what that means to each individual reader is up to them. Betty Freidan was preaching for woman to dream big and beyond the confines of being a housewife and a mother. Caitlin Moran was preaching (with lots of colourful words) to a new generation of women on taking ownership of our bodies, our minds and our work, whatever that work may be! I am a stay at home mom by choice. I have the privilege to make that choice and I stand on the shoulders of the women who came before me that gave me the right to actually have a choice in this matter and so many others in my life!
"I used my driver's license far more than my degree." I can't disagree with her on this one. I live in an urban setting that requires a vehicle to get around and so yes, I drive a lot. I have also graduated high school and I too spent 6 years in university and have a B.Sc. in Medical Lab Sciences. My years of education taught me many things: how to splice genes, how to diagnose a parasitic infection and how to match someones blood-type for an emergency blood transfusion. It also taught me how to interact with all kinds of people, how to WRITE, how to look at situations critically and analytically, how to manage projects and people and most importantly, it taught me to always have an inquisitive and open mind. My driver's test taught me how to parallel park.
"My kids think I did nothing." OK, I am sorry, I have to get a bit judge-y here. Who's fault is this? Lisa says her kids knew what a job looked like and that she didn't have one. Hmmm... Raising three boys and not helping them to understand that what you are doing as a stay at home mom is indeed a job and a damn valuable one at that is not anyone's fault but her own. Little C and I had this very conversation yesterday when he was about to have a meltdown because I had to go to the bank. We talked about how my job is to look after the family and then we discussed all the different ways that I do that. Daddy may go to an office for his job, but my job is everywhere my family is and without me doing it, things would get really messy around here. And I am not just talking about the piles of laundry!
"My world narrowed." I get this. When your world all of a sudden becomes about the frequency and consistency of someone else's bowel movements, you want to be able to talk to people who are also concerned with these type of things. It makes the experience less isolating and far less scary. I too have made many "mommy" friends in the past six years that I hope to have for many years to come. AND, even though I am still wiping bums at home, I have also started getting myself out there in the world to meet other people too. Multiple events in my city get me out of the comforts of my inner circle and into the far-less-scary-than-I-thought circles of many others. Circles in which the talk is substantially less about poop and more with and about people of all genders and all walks of life lifting each other up and trying to make our world a better place for all of us.
"I got sucked into a mountain of volunteer work." ME TOO! Because, you know what, I too have the time. And for a lot of the volunteer work that I do, I also have the skills (See above, re: my degree). I can also say NO to the things that don't work for me. It's really that simple and the thing with volunteer work is that it is not a job, it is something you do freely, without any expectation of payment or recognition. Some of it sucks (think 6 PM to 3 AM shift at a Casino fundraiser), some of it is ridiculously fun (sitting with 5 year olds making rainbow fossil rubbings) and some of it helps keep great programs and organizations GREAT. You do what you can with your time and skills, say no when it doesn't work for you and make the best out of all of it. Kind of like anything in life!
"I worried more." I don't know about this one. Can anyone really say they worry about their kids more than another parent? It's all rather subjective. I don't think being in their presence makes the worries any less "substantive". If you click on the link to Lisa's Overparenting post, you'll see the lengths to which she has gone in this regard. Would I do anything less? Perhaps not. I am a fan of natural consequences though and eventually some cute girl will comment on how stinky a college boy who doesn't do his own laundry is and that problem will be solved and mama bear will have one less thing to worry about!
"I slipped into a more traditional marriage." I guess this depends on what one means by "traditional". If, like the author, you tend to see things in a very narrow 1950's way with the mom at home and the dad at work, and the division of labour as simple as that, then yes, I suppose that is what happens. What actually happens inside the houses of these traditional looking marriages may be very different. My husband is a very active part of our household maintenance and cleanliness and has changed just as many dirty diapers and wiped as many bums and snotty noses as I have. He is not off the hook from being a parent because his "work day" is over and we divide our household responsibilities based on our strengths and weaknesses. (Apparently, my weakness is my ability to properly clean a toilet. A task I GLADLY gave up! On the other hand, my husband's weakness is shopping in any way , shape or form, and this is something that I am very, VERY good at!)
"I became outdated." I think this is another way of saying "I got old." Sorry hon, it happens to all of us! Our parents got outdated the minute we figured out how to get the damn blinking 12:00 off of the VCR at 7 years old and still have to go over and help them change the message on their answering machines (aka, voicemail) AND remind them that the beeping sound they hear when they are on the phone means that they have call waiting. Technology is moving light years faster than human beings are evolving and it is as inevitable as the laser disc was a bad idea that our children will be more technologically adept than us a some point in our lives. In ten years from now when everyone has an actual EYE phone, I'll be clutching my dear old 4S like it is a long lost lover from my past, while my kids roll their "phones"at me!
"I lowered my sights and lost my confidence." Nothing, and I mean NOT ONE DAMN THING in my life has shaken my confidence in myself like motherhood has. I believe this is what happens when someone else's life is actually in your hands and it takes all the effort one can muster to not totally mess it up! Add to that all the outside pressure that exists for all of us to be "mom enough" or this or that kind of parent and the limited value society as a whole places on motherhood, and really, the cards are quite stacked against us and any self-confidence we may have had. It's why we surround ourselves with others in the same boat. We support each other and we give one another booster shots of confidence when our titres are low.
As for lowering one's sights, I am not sure that is the right way to look at this part of life. I like to think of it more as a matter of changing the line of sight and having different goals for this particular project. It's no longer the corner office and the big fat bonus check that I lean-in to and work for. It's the ridiculously tight full arms and leg hug that I get at the end of a long day letting me know that I rocked it at "work" that day. My bonus check is seeing a big brother help his little sister learn her letters and encouraging her when she is losing her confidence. The payments I receive for my "job" are infinite and for the most part invisible. And the view from my "corner office" (the dining room table) is damn sweet!
One particular line in Lisa's post really struck me and I am not sure what to make of it. At the end she says....
"And despite it being obvious, I did not focus on the inevitable obsolescence that my job as mom held."
Unlike Lisa, I am not at this perceived tail end of motherhood. I feel it is unfair of me to comment on an impending empty nest and lack of marketable skills to re-enter the workforce. I may very well feel her same sense of remorse in 15 years time. I do know one thing though and it is something that my kids and I talk about all the time...
Motherhood is NEVER obsolete!
Natasha~
make your bed and be on time
Happiness is a funny thing. Sometimes it hits you just as hard as its arch-nemesis, sadness and/or depression.
And then you don't know what to do about it.
You don't want to talk about it, because then you'll *JINX* it. You don't want to celebrate anything too wildly, because you don't want to seem boastful or like you are rubbing it in anyone's face. And because of the nature of our often cruel and spiteful world, you hold your breath, silently enjoying your happy, while at the same time, constantly looking over your shoulder, waiting for that ominous other shoe to drop.
But why should anyone feel ashamed of being happy? That just seems incredibly counter intuitive to the whole concept.
Yet, there it is.
I'd like to blame the Internet for this shame (or more specifically, Facebook), but that's not quite right. The Internet, for all that we capitalize the word, it not an identity, not a person or persons that we can "blame" for our happiness, our sadness, or any emotion that we feel. The Internet is a means of communicating, of connecting and of sharing information. How we FEEL about that information is completely up to us. We are in charge of our use of it and of how much or how little of it we filter.
Last week, I read about tech journalist Paul Miller's return to the Internet after 365 days offline. I think most people, including Paul, expected this grand epiphany to occur during his time away from the digital world. He left the internet to find the 'Real Paul', because he thought that being online had somehow 'corrupted' him. What he in fact ended up realizing was not quite what he had in mind.
What I do know is that I can't blame the internet, or any circumstance, for my problems. I have many of the same priorities I had before I left the internet: family, friends, work, learning. And I have no guarantee I'll stick with them when I get back on the internet — I probably won't, to be honest. But at least I'll know that it's not the internet's fault. I'll know who's responsible, and who can fix it.
Right now, at this moment in my life, I am happier than I have been in months.
Life does not feel overwhelming to me right now. Maybe it is because I have slowed down and am paying closer attention to the little things more. Maybe it's because I am paying someone a crap-load of money to let me cry buckets in her office and leave all of the sadness there before our time is up. Maybe it's because I have FINALLY realized that flying by the seat of one's pants is not always the best way to go about one's life, especially when you are the one responsible for other, smaller people's lives as well.
I believe that a strange combination of a lot of little things has added up to me being a happier, more calm, more zen version of me than I have ever been before. Some of these things may seem silly, but here are just a few examples of what makes me feel happy these days.
All the beds are made every morning in our house. I never thought of unmade beds as a big deal before. We were just going to go to sleep in them again in 12-16 hours, so why bother making them? Well, I am here to tell you that it does make a difference. A made bed looks better, it makes you feel ORGANIZED and it gives you a good jumping off point in the mornings. And why spend all that money on a fancy duvet cover only to crumple it up in a ball every day?
Being on time. For those of you who don't know me very well, punctuality is NOT one of my virtues. It's a running joke within my family that I am told to arrive at least 30 minutes before the actual start time for any important events. My clock in my car is set 17 minutes ahead for the same reason. It got to the point that the one time a few months ago when we were early for an appointment and I mentioned this to the kids, my son looked at me and said, "Mom, what does early mean?" I vowed then and there to change that and for the most part, I have. Now he asks me if we are going to be TOO early everywhere we go.
Date nights. My husband and I have always had date nights, but we used to fill them with things to do. We would go to a movie or shop or stroll through Ikea or go for a drive. Date nights now are dinner at a new restaurant we haven't tried before. They are a minimum of three hours long and we eat wonderful food and we TALK. We talk about our life, we talk about others, we discuss plans for the future, we people watch and and *sometimes* we make up funny stories about the folks at the next table. We sit across the table and give each other our undivided attention. It's not just about getting out of the house and away from the kids, it's about growing together and discovering all over again why we love each other so much. And... *ahem*... all that intellectual stimulation makes for great foreplay!
No more Facebook. I know it seems silly and according to Paul, was not what was making him unhappy, but for me, not engaging on Facebook has somehow given me a release from something that was holding me back. I can't quite articulate what that something was just yet, but I do know that it is not there anymore. I admit that I do creep on FB sometimes and have to keep my account active to manage the page for the Natural Urban Mamas community, but I do not LIKE or COMMENT on anything. It simply doesn't seem genuine to me anymore and although I can see and love all the new baby/new house/new car/fabulous vacations that you are all posting about, I really would rather we went for coffee or I popped over to see you and the baby/house/car/pictures in person.
Losing the fear of just being ME. The other day, my good friend Jen Banks asked me to present an award at The Yeggies, a celebration of all the local and amazing social media folks in my fair city. I was thrilled to do so and immediately said yes. The wonderful Tanis Miller won for Best in Family and Parenting and it was an honour to present the woman who inspired me to blog this well-deserved award. Afterwards someone asked me if I was scared speaking in front of a room full of so many people. I said no, not at all. I may have been nervous right before I hit the stage, but I was not afraid. A few weeks ago, I changed my Twitter handle from @SAHFeminist to @NatashaChiam. And while it is a bit scary to put one's REAL name out there for all the Internet to see, it felt right. Just like being up on a stage with a microphone in front of me does.
It's a strange thing to be fearless. I don't think that it means to fear nothing. That would just be silly, because if a tiger escaped from the zoo and made its way to my back yard, trust me, there would be FEAR (and possibly some soiled underpants as well). I think fearless means to be brave and the dictionary defines brave as "being able to face fear and danger without flinching." *I* say being brave and fearless means being able to face LIFE without flinching.
And in that regard, I believe that fearlessness is a direct line to happiness. If we can face our lives without flinching, if we can own who we are, the good, the bad, the beautiful and the ugly, and if we can do so honestly, than one day, without you even seeing it coming, HAPPINESS is going to come right up to you, smack you in the face and say,
HA!!
GOTCHA!!
Natasha~
Photo Credit: Sparklerawk on Flickr
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What about you? How do you define happiness? Or fearlessness?
#40SilverLinings: Happy Easter!
I did not post one every day, but having the thought of my #40silverlinings posts in my head, made me focus more on the good things going on in my life. It was a good exercise in positive thinking, in seeing the happy moments in days that can sometimes seem overwhelming. So here you have my last list to wrap up all 40 of my silver linings for Lent.
31. A hot bath after a long day, a real book (I don't do e-readers) and a husband who brings me a glass of wine after I am all settled in the tub!
32. The "Oh My Darling" twisted London fog tea latte from my neighbourhood cafe. Darjeeling tea, almond milk and coconut flavouring. It just makes everything better, I swear.
33. Date night. The best bowl of Pho in the city followed by chilling at what my husband is calling his new favourite cafe. {So much so, that he wants to use it as the blueprint for our basement development!}
34. Sprinter. It's what I am calling this ridiculous Spring/Winter season in Edmonton. It means rubber boots and mitts and sometimes a toque and sometimes just a fleece vest and FINALLY being able to have some outdoor play time!
35. Picking up my puppy after day surgery at the vet. She hasn't wanted that much cuddling in a long time and I didn't realize how much I missed it too.
36. That moment when every piece of laundry is clean, folded and put away. I am dead serious, this is total happy dance time around here!
37. Napping with my baby nephew. {Even though he cried for 20 minutes before actually falling asleep.}
38. Women all over the world (and very close to me) standing up for themselves, breaking the cycles in their lives and knowing that they are worthy of happiness. XO.
39. The Toca Tailor stylings and designs of my four year old daughter!
40. A long weekend surrounded by the family that I love. A movie date with the little cousins, girls night out with my sisters {in-law} and making a special Easter dinner for my mom, my sister and her family.
I am truly blessed in this life. Maybe that is the true lesson of Lent. Perhaps it is not so much about sacrifice and giving something up ,as it is looking closely and really appreciating all that we have. All the little things we likely take for granted in our day to day lives can add up to a whole lot of silver linings and happy moments. It is up to us to choose to see them, to live in those moments, to take a deep breath and thank whomever or whatever you believe in for that special moment in time.
And then it is up to us to take that attitude of grace and gratitude and spread it around...
...it's the best kind of infection you can pass on to anyone.
Love and light to you all,
natasha~
#40silverlinings: Catching up on a weeks worth!
OK, fine, almost two weeks.
#22. A massage. A beautiful hour and a half all to me, about me and for me! And I booked another one too!!#23. My slow cooker. Coming home to a meal that is cooked and ready to eat is the BEST THING EVER. Now if only I could get more organized and on this for more days in the week.
#24. 2.5 pounds. That is how much weight I have lost in the last couple of weeks. It's not a lot, but slow and steady is going to win this race.
#25. SCHMUTZIE!! And Palinode too! A night out in real life with two of my favourite internet folks. They is good people yo!
#26. My new front teeth. I am the only one who really notices them, but I feel damn sexy with these new chompers! {And the ability to eat apples again!}
#27. Jen Banks and her obsessive need to see more seasons of Sons of Anarchy. And Netflix. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
#28. My kid doing a Foghorn Leghorn impression mid conversation with himself that almost made me fall off the bed laughing. Teletoon Retro for the win!
#29. And this. An artistic breakthrough for my little dinosaur aficionado. I am one proud mama! In case you are wondering... THIS is a Spinosaurus, biggest mofo of the Cretaceous period!
Here's to tomorrows silver lining, whatever it may be!
natasha~
#40silverlinings: Vet bills, zombies and Taylor swift
Some days the silver linings are harder to see. I haven't posted anything since last week. We have been busy. The kids had Thursday and Friday off because of teacher's convention and we had a lot going on.
I know the silver linings were there, I just had to look really hard for them through the fog of the migraine that I had for two days and a road trip on my own with two kids.
#17. A new vet who actually gave me some answers and proper treatment for my poor puppy's infected ears!
#18. My kids deciding to sing along to all songs on the radio these days and how cute C sounds when he is singing Maroon 5's 'Daylight' and the hilariousness of my 4 year old daughter belting out "We are never, ever, ever, getting back together!".
#19. Getting to know my step-mother (my late father's wife) better and seeing my kids embrace her as their 'new' Grandma.
#20. Realizing that I do not have to keep every single piece of paper my kids bring home from school and subsequently clearing out two bins of crafts and two binders full of said papers.
#21. Sunday night and zombies and Rick and the gang.
It's a new week and the sun is shining.
That is a good start.
Won't you join me in this quest for #40silverlinings and share with me your daily moments that shine?
Also, this is what happens after two hours on the road and less than five hours of sleep the night before. I'm warn you, it's not pretty!
[youtube]http://youtu.be/5uQ_inuD9FI[/youtube]
Till tomorrow,
Natasha~
Silver Linings List
I am a couple of days behind for my #40silverlinings posts and so tonight, I give you a small list of things that have made my week have that slight little glow around the edges.
#11. A return to regular date night for B and I. AND, I actually ate some incredible bacon-wrapped chorizo-stuffed dates that night as well, so... it was a double date night! (Seriously though, check out Canteen when you can, you won't be disappointed.)#12. My incredibly cheesy pun-iness! (See above. Yes, I am a dork.)
#13. A friend who is there for me whenever I need her, even when she is about to lose her own shit! (Love you L!!)
#14. NAPS. I swear on days when we ALL nap, everything gets outlined in silver and rainbows and covered in unicorn farts!
#15. This picture.
You're welcome.
(I might have a slight obsession with Sons of Anarchy right now, and Charlie Hunman is MY TV boyfriend! Get your own!)
Have a great weekend everyone,
Natasha~
(I do not know the origin of this photo, sorry lucky, lucky photographer who got to do this shoot!)
#40silverlinings: a list
It's Friday night.
I just got back home after a lovely dinner out with my two sisters-in-law (sister-in-laws ??) and for tonight's post I have a little list of silver linings for you.
#3. Today I finished a book! This is a big deal because for the past six months I have had about 3-4 books all ongoing at the same time and I have not finished one, I have not finished ANY of my book club books before the actual date of book club. This book, How to Be a Woman by Caitlin Moran, is now DONE and it is done a whole eight days before my next book club night! Oh yeah!! I rock. And I can't wait to see what kind of discussions we are going to have about this one!!
#4. Good hair days should always be celebrated and today was a darn good one. Most of that has to do with a healthy dose of Maui Wowie Beach Mist by Philip B. (and now that you have my secret, go pick up a bottle of this hair magic locally from the lovely ladies at Lux Beauty Boutique) and also that weird point in my hairstyle's life when it is somehow the perfect length. Who know how long this "perfection" will last, so it gets a silver lining status for today!
#5. Wine. A nice Pinot Noir. Enough said.
#6. Finding that missing $50 iTunes gift card from Christmas. Today is now officially dubbed New Music for Natasha day!!
#7. It's a long weekend!! (In Alberta, we celebrate Family Day in February) Three days of chillin' with my little family and so many silver linings to look for in the days to come!
Cheers all,
Natasha~